Years of absence from a parent can be a traumatic experience for both the present parent and the child. When that absent parent decides to show up abruptly, it can disrupt the dynamics you’ve built with your child.
Nevertheless, you need to be neutral under such circumstances to protect your kid. There are many factors to consider to help your child navigate this major change in their life.
Inquire about the reason for the return
Look into the intentions of the absent parent for returning. The absence of a parent could have already taken an emotional toll on your family, so it’s wise to inquire about the reason why an absent parent decides to be part of their child’s life suddenly. It can be guilt, longing for reconnection, a sense of relationship in their life, unfulfilled duties, or simply just showing up with no reason at all.
If the absent parent has unresolved issues with substance abuse, mental illness, and abusive behavior that they had in the past, you may want to move the situation further legally with an attorney.
Prepare yourself for co-parenting
It’s completely valid to be furious at the absent parent’s sudden arrival. Someone who abandoned you, potentially at your most vulnerable, and left you to do everything all on your own, just to intrude on your life unannounced and disrupt the well-established, healthy system you’ve built and nurtured with your kid.
Despite your frustrations, remember you have to always put your child’s well-being as a priority. Remain calm and reserve your feelings at all costs, so as to avoid the likelihood of altercations, which can save your child from furthering their unresolved trauma.
If the absent parent genuinely wants to be part of your child’s life, inform them about your child’s interests, dislikes, and also the allergies and medical conditions your child has.
Set boundaries
Have a clear conversation with the returning parent that they cannot incorporate their entire existence into your kid’s life all of a sudden. They have to take everything step by step. Only a few visits at first, then based on their interaction and behavior, they can earn more frequent visits and slowly be part of the child’s life.
Be firm about the part that it might take time to build trust and rekindle the relationship. Especially if they left you and your child without any warning, starting all over again needs more time. Practice supervised visits to ensure your child’s safety.
Converse with your child to see how they feel
Talk to your kid to see how they feel. If they’re overwhelmed, or perplexed, or anxious, or whatever kind of emotions they have on their mind, it’s essential that you’re aware of their thought process upon the arrival of their absent parent.
If the child is under 13, have an age-appropriate conversation with them. Make sure they’re not blaming themselves for their parent’s absence. Helping your pre-adolescent child understand this complex situation is crucial to having their mental health checked.
When the child is above 13, be honest with them about the situation, and be open to hearing about their decision and preferences in this situation, and encourage them to have an open conversation with the returned parent regarding the questions they might have for them. On the other hand, your adult child in this situation can be fully equipped to handle it on their own with full control over their life.
Consider counselling and therapy
Seek professional support, like counselling and therapy for both you and your child, especially for younger kids. Therapy sessions can help cope with emotional trauma, resentment, and emotional distress.
Expect them to return to absence again
It’s very common for an absent parent to leave without a warning again, especially when they have a history. Always have a backup plan at the time of your child’s visit to see them so your child can be picked up wherever they are left. Ensure that the frequent absences do not negatively affect your child.
Hire a family law lawyer if everything goes south
If the absent parent shows up and tries to take full custody of your child out of nowhere, hire a professional family law lawyer to help you with this complex process.
Key takeaways
- Practice boundaries and coparenting as much as you can. Have an honest conversation with your child and understand the diverse range of emotions they might be experiencing.
- Never abandon your well-established support system for the returned parent, and seek both therapy and counselling for both of you.
- Always be prepared for returning to the absence again. Always have a backup plan to ensure your child’s safety. Never hesitate to hire a family law lawyer if everything goes south.
